Carolyn Hax: Conversational narcissist has something hed like to add
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: I have a “conversational narcissist” husband. Whenever I begin speaking about something — my day, something I read, a conversation I had, etc. — instead of asking any follow-up questions, my husband jumps right in with, “Wow my day was …," “Yeah, I just read about …," “I just spoke with …” He never asks me questions. And I mean never.
I have told him it makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important and he counters with, “Of course it is,” but continues this type of behavior. If I say, “I need a new pair of shoes,” instead of asking something like, “Oh really, what kind of shoes?” he’ll say, “Oh, I need a new pair, too. I was thinking about these sneakers …” It’s like the Toby Keith song, “I like talking about you, you, you, usually, but occasionally I wanna talk about me.”
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Can you offer any words that I can use to make him understand my point? He says he understands but nothing yet has helped. Thanks.
— MEEEEEEEE
MEEEEEEEE: Nothing will help. I’m sorry.
No wait — nothing will change him. He clearly is this way and your efforts won’t put a dent in that, or else they would have by now. “You don’t ask me anything about me, ever,” is not a complicated concept that requires precision in phrasing.
However, some things can still help. Namely, you can choose to look at it differently. That's something you control, at least much more than you can control him.
As a reader shared earlier, Happiness = Reality - Expectations. You've failed to change his Reality, so change your Expectations.
So: How can you reframe this trait of his into something you can stop labeling as bad or disappointing and just accept as different?
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Maybe think of it as the difference between sympathy and empathy. You want empathy — for him to feel what you’re feeling or show interest in your interests. But his jumping in with his parallel stories is arguably a form of sympathy, where he relates to you through the way he feels about a similar thing. It’s not exactly what you want, but it’s not erasing you as “unimportant,” either. It’s an attempt to meet you where you are. Albeit not a particularly strong one.
Which is, apparently, the best he's got for you right now. If you can adjust your expectations of him, then you can rerun the formula and maybe get a higher Happiness value:
Happiness = Reality - Expectations
I've long said writing advice is like doing word problems about feelings, but it's nice to see it in math form.
Another way you can change reality is to prompt him for what you want: “This is where you ask me what kind of shoes I need.”
Re: Self-centered husband: I feel your pain. I once did a test to see how long my husband would go without asking me how my day went, how my work was going, etc. I lost track somewhere around eight weeks. I have adjusted my expectations of him accordingly.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Yikes.
“Hi, Honey — how was my day?” See if he’s even awake.
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